I think the best dating advice can only come from someone who actually successfully did it not individually but as species. I am talking about early humans. They did an amazing job back then. They survived! And it wasn’t easy. Let’s go back in history and have a look if we can learn something from our ancestors.
Primitive tribe. Hierarchy. Structure of inter-sex relations.
When our ancestors were relatively underdeveloped, did not have effective tools of labor, weapons, hunting methods, did not know farming or cattle breeding, the level of satiety and safety was no different from that of the animal. They perished in the teeth of predators, were dependent on harvest of wild edible fruits and roots. They balanced on the verge of life and death, participating in the great natural conveyor of struggle for survival.
Back then human community was almost no different from a herd of monkeys. Leader is on the top – the strongest and most aggressive male. He dominated all the other members of the herd. The remaining males were lined up in their position as a pyramidal hierarchical structure. This structure was formed as a result of constant brutal skirmishes. However, in the absence of an effective natural weapon (fangs, horn, hooves), these conflicts rarely led to the death. For the same reason, it was impossible for an individual or even a small group to leave the herd. They could have become prey for predators easily. “Firmware” of human brain practically was no different from the instinctive behavioral programs of other animal species. And this “firmware” has not gone anywhere today.
Nevertheless, the position of the female in such a herd was not completely the same as that of the flock of animals due to the above-described specific human characteristics. The common thing was that females preferred to mate with the strongest and most aggressive males by default. Natural selection is the law of nature. Most of the offspring were also born from the leader. However, I repeat, the female was less viable and unable to feed offspring on her own. A clever, violent male was a lot more concerned with keeping his privileged place in the herd’s hierarchy than with taking care of females and offspring.
Here is where things get interesting.
If mid-lower rank male wanted to mate with a female he could earn the favor of that female by sharing food with her. His ability to provide was the main criteria for a female to engage into sexual relations with non alpha male. It was kind of market for female sexual services. The cost of sex for a male depended both on the amount of payment and his position in the hierarchy. Leader mated with females for free. Let me note that the roots of modern prostitution are not so much social as biological, instinctive, and therefore all attempts to combat it have never been led to its complete eradication.
Therefore, the next after a leader was the better choice for a primal female, since he was the best source of resources. He could also chase away weak low-ranking male with whom she does not want to mate. It was in the best interest of a female to achieve exclusive feeding and protection of this particular male. She had to bind him with sex, ritual feeding, some particularly tasty fruit obtained by her in the process of gathering and other methods available to her. She had to shrewd. We all familiar with erotic female trick, when a woman sends a mouthful of delicious berries in the form of a kiss from her mouth to a mouth of a man. This is an ancient animal ritual, inherent in many primates. Thus, the pair structure of human society was created.
Kingdom of reason.
Subsequent stage of human development began with the advent of more effective stone tools. Society and its relationship with nature have changed. From an easy prey man became a predator. The level of satiety and security has increased unprecedentedly. With the improvement of weapons, people no longer were struggling for survival, but gained an opportunity for global expansion.
Thus, men became a new being… with an old set of animal herd instincts. They had to change. Being the most aggressive and powerful was no longer an advantage. Such people had a risk of dying in collisions. But those who could suppress the primal instinct and replace it with reasoning and negotiation were likely to succeed. This property has further strengthened learning and abstract thinking. And this gave rise to the further improvement of tools and weapons. Man began his accelerating path to civilization.
Is the kingdom of reason here to stay?..
Fights between males for females were fatal. Therefore, any single individual of any gender has been a source of instability and risk in the group. The group where the largest number of individuals formed stable pairs became more viable. The herd sex market became extremely disadvantageous to the group. Relations between the sexes became predominantly exclusive. Monogamous marriage was born.
Natural selection was not between individuals. It was between whole societies. New kind of evolutionary race has begun: “society capable of suppressing animal instincts will win.” Since only males took part in armed inner hierarchical conflicts, they had to develop moral standards and practice to suppress their animal instincts with reasoning. That was evolutionary almost spiritual journey of a man.
Females, on the other hand, stayed true to their primary biological instinct – reproduction no matter what. Females were very equal to each other in their goals and their role in society. While males were not equal to each other, they were in the hierarchy of the tribe and later were competing for resources with each other. For example, there was always weak low-ranking group of men. Not even beta-males, the third grade. And they could not possibly imagine that they have a shot with a female. Since the nature was put under control, man no longer have to be the strongest to earn a favor of a female. The point here is that a weak man not only had a chance to find a mate in this new paradigm but also could live and not be eaten!
However, for a female the change of paradigm did not make much of the difference. She always knew her biological role of the primitive paradigm. She only had to learn one evolutionary lesson – how to make a man to provide for her and her child. And that is how humans made a transition from primitive to civilized society.
The primitive tribe consisted essentially of animal like humans. But it was the raw material for great and powerful evolution. The modern tribe is the consequence of this evolutionary work of art. And to me it is either inability of this distinct ethnos to understand the change and change themselves accordingly. Or it is newly developed and newly degraded ethnos. In any case, modern tribes are dead-end variants of evolution, a peculiar cesspool of human communities which came before us.