Relationships with your mother defines your future. To understand the relationship with your mother for a woman is a prerequisite for building your own future. It is kind of platitude and scary truth at the same time. This strong relationship with the mother affects how the woman will treat herself, how confident she will be in herself, how she may be independent, on what relationships she will have with men, also on what mother she can become herself. Why does the mother have such a big impact on her daughter’s future? Why is it necessary to be objective in your perception of maternal qualities and shortcomings? How can we gain independence and live on our own values, without waiting for our mother’s approval? How can you avoid repeating maternal behavior with your own daughter?Investigating the scale of the maternal influence on the fate of the daughter, one can better understand the relationship that “determines” their life. This is what helps them to get rid of this connection and to gain freedom – to be themselves. The first type of relationship that a woman has is a relationship with her mother. This fundamental type of relationship fits into the subconscious as “normal.” And even when this type of relationship was a source of suffering, the daughter was accustomed to giving this type of relationship a positive color. When she was criticized, accused, she believed this was done by “love” and that such actions have always been justified. How can one take offense at the person on whom our life depends?
Mother is her first love.
Later, a woman unconsciously strives to find the same type of relationship with a new object of love, that is, identical to her relationship with her mother. As Dr. Robertiello Richard says (1992) “Whether we are a man or a woman, we are usually in the first love affair, choose a partner who is similar in quality to our mother.If your mother was not a reliable person, then your troubles are just beginning. “The one who chooses a partner resembling a father’s prototype reproduces with him his bad relationship with his mother. The husband would have inherited the relationship of the wife with his father, and in reality he inherits her relationship with her mother “, writes Freud. Often, women who are in a hurry to leave the mother’s house marry a man who allows them to build the type of relationship that they had with their mother. In such cases, these women are sometimes afraid to disappoint him and so they put the desires of the partner first, forgetting about themselves. Following constant disappointments, they suddenly begin to understand this type of relationship does not suit them, although they themselves subconsciously put themselves in these conditions, subconsciously reproduced their relationship with the mother. This suggests they do not know how to build an adult relationship with a partner, on an equal footing, they do not understand what they expect from this relationship with a partner, they do not dare to demand what they need. Often we see women who are attracted by cruel men who abuse them, they often replace them with their mothers, who mocked them, and good men, benevolent to them, seem uninteresting. Freud called it a repetition compulsion. This can be explained in part by the fact that these women cannot get rid of the infantile feeling of their own power. Being a baby, a little girl for whom the mother was vital, believed that she did turn a mother, who sometimes made her suffer, into a good mother. She believed in it and so now she does everything to make it happen already in the context of today ‘s relationship with a partner, but she is defeated, and the fantasy of the possibility of curing child trauma is still present, it does not disappear anywhere.She hopes that, maybe, she will get it with this man, who is constantly disappointing her! It seems to her that if she achieved this, she could achieve what she could not achieve in childhood. She does not want to accept her mother, who made her suffer, could not give her the feeling of love just like this man who attracts her so much, but makes her unhappy. And she believes, as before, that this is her fault.But if she had accepted her mother was a “bad” mother who was not capable of showing benevolence, then she would be looking for a man who would be friendly with her, who could accept her as she is, just then she would understand you can be loved, that you can find another type of relationship, benevolence and concern.
Influence of the mother on the sexuality of her daughter.
Sex is an area, as Dr. Robertiello says, where the mother should not be present at all. It is impossible to maintain your own sexuality and be in symbiosis with your mother.It is necessary that the daughter herself chooses a sexual partner for herself, on her own criteria, sex is what should remain in the sphere of one’s own responsibility. Women who tell the mother in detail about their intimate life do not respect either their intimacy or their mother’s, they are again under the influence of the mother, they give her the right to comment, approve or not, her daughter’s sex is a sphere that does not concern the mother. We must understand everything said or hidden about sex, as well as sexual relations of parents, the sexuality of the mother is transmitted to the daughter both consciously and unconsciously. The daughter in turn must choose from all this information what suits her and reject what she does not fit to go her own way. And only then it can feel independent and separated from the desires of the mother. However, this path is not so simple. Sexual desire of women. Sexual desire for a woman sometimes becomes a problematic topic. The mother for the child is asexual, and this identification of the mother does not allow the daughter to build her own femininity, as the personification of sexuality. Therefore, identification with the father is important to develop their own future feminine qualities, in terms of awakening desires. The father symbolizes everything outside, everything different from the mother, through him the way of access to the outside world passes. It is the father who symbolizes the I who “possesses” “wishes. “Identification is what makes a girl a being “willing.” An absent father for a woman is insufficient desire, but the absence of a sexual mother is fundamental. Sexual mother sends her daughter this sexuality. Naturally, to afford sexuality, it is necessary to be a subject for those who wish, by virtue of this identification with the father or mother, the prohibitions that exist in the family come into force.To experience pleasure, you must allow yourself to receive it. At this moment, beyond the I allow or forbids it to have. The higher I may be including my mother, so a mother who did not enjoy sex or who could not even imagine her daughter can test it, passes her daughter bans, sometimes contradictory concepts, it does not allow daughters take full advantage of their own sexuality. Independence and femininity
What promotes independence.
To be independent is not to depend on the opinion and emotions of the mother anymore. Independence is necessary for building an independent and self-confident personality. What helps a daughter to get rid of maternal emotions and opinions and build her own individuality, that is, to know her own possibilities and gain self-confidence? For this, as mentioned above, it is important not to be afraid of trouble: even when a mental compulsion (in the image of the mother) throws you into the arms of “bad” boys. It is better to go through this experience than to escape from it only on the pretext that this experience can only bring you suffering. If you are not afraid and do not avoid suffering, then you have a chance to see the problem itself, and then think about how you can solve it. Own, even unsuccessful experience, allows the daughter to distance herself from her mother, overcome her own fears: fear of being abandoned, fear of losing. It is better to survive a few failures than to remain in a state of protection. Successful experience strengthens our independence, and the bad, although it makes us suffer, shows us that we can survive. Independence reduces our anxiety in the face of life and trials. Otherwise, fear will determine all our actions. The more our independence, the more self-confidence, the more confidence that we can survive the setbacks. Then we begin to understand that, respecting the partner’s freedom, we create a harmonious relationship with him, as well as the fact that in order not to lose a partner, it is unnecessary to “lock” him. Sometimes women want to be independent and concurrently they want a man to deal with all their problems. It’s a paradox, is not it? Dependence for a long time was associated with femininity. The man had to fully engage in a woman who was unable to live on her own. However, the society has changed, but, the transfer of female genetic memory is still fundamental. This genetic memory continues to be transmitted through both consciousness and subconsciousness. We are modern, but this need for security, a sense of security has not disappeared, it is still in the female subconscious to this day. This archaic explains the ambivalence of women’s aspirations.It is this duality that does not allow many women to gain independence and emancipation, although in words they demand it. We must create our own criteria for femininity, not appealing to the past, in which dependence and femininity are identified.We should ask ourselves a question about our inconsistency, that is, ask ourselves the question, but how did our mother treat our desire to be independent. Did she appreciate our femininity and our ambition, was she feminine, ambitious? Sometimes women do not want to become independent, as if they want to remain forever little girls, who are constantly engaged in. They are waiting for the man to give them a sense of security, so that he encourages them, calms them. They tend to reproduce their relationship with the mother, feeling dependent on her, so it turns out that, feeling protected, they are constantly connected to another. ( Barber C. L. et al. 1963), Boris Barber a psychiatrist and neuropathologist, calls these children “giant babies,” that is, those who are constantly looking for a fusion relationship, like infantile addiction. He says: “Fun is the freedom of giant babies,” as a rule, it is a paradox of women who establish relationships with a person who dominates them and concurrently protects them, they hope to gain freedom and independence in defense. “However, they forget the husband dominates. Where is freedom? During consultations, many women explain they are looking for an emotional connection that would give them a sense of security. They believe this would relieve them of anxiety. Men do not seek such relationships, they do not expect protection from women, quite the contrary, they like to feel defenders, the head of the family. The old schemes still work in the minds, and if they are not changed, then it will continue, but one must understand a sense of security is not a good adviser.