Love and vows and other affirming connections is not suffice to hold a couple together. Couples are held together by the absence of blame, shame, irritants, impatience, misunderstandings, criticism, nagging, fault-finding, unfilled promises, abuse, and disrespect. Sounds like a platitude? Let me explain. When I say respect, I mean – mutual respect one gender to the other, man for a woman and vice versa. It goes back in evolutionary time.
Endless War of the sexes.
Men against women. People of both sexes are born to get their way, so competition is a universal motivator. Men don't want to give up the privileges of dominance. That is why women can be victims of masculine disrespect, and even abuse. What if there is a way to handle man’s dominance?… Male dominance versus the irresistible force of attractive female - Womens superpower. Men is individualistic and have the physical and mental ability to force women if they want to. But those immovable objects are vulnerable to sheer female beauty, mystery and her charm, her willingness to respect a man for who he is, what he does, and listen to him how he is bragging about their lives and making promises about her future.
The war is each individual woman versus all men. Neither all nor many men can satisfy her. She only needs one but has to screen numerous and maybe find enough… She can govern their relationship, only if she commanded his respect early in their relationship. Until one man finds her the dream of his life, all those others will fall into a category of by-passesers. She’s on her own with whatever irresistible attractions she can generate.
No matter what feminists say, women can’t overpower a dominant mate. They may think or assume they have, but it isn’t reality. Because deep down men don’t want to lose to a weaker person under normal circumstances. She has to build the relationships in such way that he would want to please her instead of dominating and oppressing.
She can do it. Women are created with special abilities that men lack. She was born with the ability to handle male dominance. Selflessness, her courage to stand up for herself even being a weaker creature; her pleasant manners and honorable intentions – are all path to success with a man.
When women try to out compete dominant men, they will have a long and ugly run. Women are born able to outsmart, and outmaneuver the dominance in one man.
Each woman’s war continues daily until she isolates one man to join her in the Battle of the Sexes, one on one. Her female weapon is mystery, modesty, and monogamous promise. At least one man will find her attractive enough that his self-interest to have her will exceed his natural urge for first time sex together.
Her lasso is around his neck. The immovable object yields to the irresistible force. Dominance is out of the picture.
Here is a dynamic. A man is a conqueror seeking to win without obligation. She’s a conqueror seeking marriage before declaring his victory. It’s the only way she can be sure that what he is after – sex or her.
Her beauty, mystery, modesty, monogamous spirit, and his desire to conquer her, makes him willingly to place the lasso around his neck. Before he can get her into bed for the first time, she teaches him about her inner world, so he can get used to the fact that women are crazy with a lot of mental garbage. She also teaches him how to love her. She talks about the desires of her heart. And he is like Santa Claus will fill them all once they are married.
Battle of the Sexes doesn’t stop here. It expands with them as a couple. They date until both are convinced they are made for each other. He makes his move with a proposal of marriage, if and when he’s convinced living with her will satisfy him more than the way he presently lives.
The Battle of the Sexes is continuous in time – friend, husband, boyfriend, business associate, or whatever. It’s each woman’s personal battle, and she has no one but herself to win it.
She has to rely on herself alone. As soon as she seeks help and protection of other women bonding together or blaming all men for her man’s faults, the man doesn’t see her as his dream, which weakens her position. She then takes the easy road and offers him sex. And we all know how the story of long-term relationships end.
End of War of Sexes.
The battle ends when she refined a male up to her expectations and prepared him for raising children. He won the Battle of the Sexes when he proposed the marriage. She became his when she accepted what he offered. The wedding concealed the conquest. From that point, he is not likely in change of start any new battles.
Meaning, they will most likely be caused by wife’s desire to make things different from before the marriage. He marries her and expects her not to change, but she does. She marries expecting him to change, but he won’t.
He accepts responsibility, and conviction that their relationship is steady and there is no need to modify anything. From day one, their marriage is okay. He doesn’t expect any changes or improvements she wants to make so bad.
A man’s interest in marriage can be boiled down to one specific objective. Is he satisfied with who he is and who he does it with? Regardless of who she is, if he is he satisfied with her, living with her, being around and thus satisfied with his marriage.
Is there love after marriage?
He observes her, himself and their marriage. Here is how the man sees it.
- If she’s smiling, all is well. If she is angry or complains, he blames himself. He’s responsible for keeping the marriage going well, but when she complains about it, he takes it personally. Because guys don't start something that will fail. And If it is failing - that is on him.
- He’s the ultimate boss but she’s the governor of the marriage. Her authority is to act as a wife.
- For him their relationship is okay as is, so nothing needs to be changed. But women are naturally at rebuilding, adjusting, renewing.
- She doesn’t have to work and expected to handle womanly duties in which he has little or no interest.
- He’ll let her know when things aren’t right or acceptable outright. And he expects her to follow his lead.
- He accepted her competing with him before they married, but he doesn’t want any more competition, only collaboration.
- He expects her respect, gratitude, and dependence on him for producing, providing, protecting, and problem solving. It’s his primary role in marriage.
- He expects her to remain his bride for life. He can accept aging as a cause of changes, but not her sloppy robe with soup spots, dirty hair, and beer belly.
He doesn’t view love as the main factor in their marriage. Her likeability is more important for him. As long as she is pleasant to be around.
It happens with new brides. She feels lack of attention, affection, and appreciation. According to his thinking, he paid the price to win her, what more does she expect? Whatever he showed before marriage was part of the price he paid to win her hand.
A husband’s battle of the sexes is to prevent changes to their marital arrangement that causes him dissatisfaction with who he is, what he does, and who he does it with. A wife should learn to change something without unsatisfying him in the process.
Once you are married, the goal is not to love passionately but to sustain a couple’s mutual likeability and friendliness meaning living without relationship toxins: preventing the accumulation of irritants, accusations, criticism, blame, denying one’s responsibility, and other negative influences.
A couple’s compatibility requires management. Love isn’t sufficient for two reasons. Men love less reliably than women and even her romantic love fades away in a year or two. After that, more constant love is essential to prevent separation. It puts the responsibility on the wife. A husband rides along and can figure out if they are still compatible or he will be somewhere else.
Compatibility VS Love?
Sensory compatibility: she knows intuitively they are compatible. They are so in love. Unfortunately, this type of love is fleeting.
Mature compatibility: a woman’s determination to keep the relationship together.
Both sexes are born to be compatible with a mate. Easy to say! It is a wife’s obligation to sense that husband operates at the edge of their compatibility. And act upon it. Yes, her spirit needs to be contagious – she has to inspire her husband.
Again, It’s not her love or their love that holds them together, but the absence of turn offs, criticism, blame, anger at one another, deep arguments, fights, and other negative influences and accusations.
Today’s main problem of non compatibility – wives acting like men. Countless women envy and expect to enjoy privileges of having a husband. Wives can’t act like a husband and expect to keep the husband they have. It nurtures competition at which she inevitably loses to him. The virtuous woman who men seek to marry are uniquely distinct from men, and not the one who acts like a man.
In short, compatibility is great when the husband remains in marriage with the woman he married. Likeable, friendly, and jovial. That signals her allegiance and loyalty to him. He expresses his love by admitting her importance in his life and her governance of their marriage arrangement.
Women need or want a mate, men don’t need one but may want one day. Her compatibility management holds them together. If she does it right, he accepts their life together as friendly and pleasant habit, then he will be satisfied to live with her for life.
Man needs to be pleased with himself.
Throughout his life, a guy pursues Self-satisfaction - the drive to keep himself pleased with himself – with who he is, what he does, and who he does it with. And there is one thing that is particular to male species – he reserves the right to judge himself and evaluate every outcome of his actions. It symbolizes his independence.
And in relationships he is strategically thinking, rethinking, testing and subconsciously programming different ways to fit her in his life. He’s not as much after her as keeping himself pleased with himself. Also men don’ t want to fall in love with a woman who makes it difficult to love her. As long as she doesn’t capitulate for the first sex together and as long as he sees the promise in pleasing her - he will continue to be the seller.
Since she ends up being more important to him than sex. After months of getting to know her and imagining his future life, he begins to understand that he likes her. And he needs to answer important questions at that point. He has a good single life. Will he be more pleased with himself moving on? Or will he be more pleased living with her? So he’s persuaded to commit in order to retain her for his own.
Guys do not start something that will stop working. Therefore his proposition backs him into the corner of obligation for marital success. So if a couple has problems down the line in their marital relationship he considered them subliminally if not conscientiously as his fault.
Her approval of his proposition puts them on various tracks of compatibility to her joy and his complete satisfaction. He turns wedding event and honeymoon preparations over to her, and anticipates to reside in his marital kingdom by keeping himself pleased with himself by being accountable for: vehicle, earnings, mortgage, doing business and dealing with money. Whatever else is hers to manage– specifically relationship government and wife’s duties. There’s nothing that a guy can’ t do when he has the love of his wife, if she inspires him.
That marital relationship works best that appears like this. If he’s pleased with who she is, exactly what she does. When he’s pleased with married life, that he appropriately selected her, which pleases him with himself. Females are well geared up from birth to read a male if he is being pleased. God has planned to make her simply utilize her natural skill. And this innate skill should be used in the family life and especially when it comes to the point when you will necessarily ask him if he loves you.
Man shows love with his deeds. Not words.
Women can routinely ask a guy, “Do you love me?” without understanding that guys simply don’t think about love the same way women do. They don't think about love at all.
His thoughts prevent him from calling it "love". As a man, he can’t do what she does when she shows love for others. He’s nowhere close to being concerned with what love is all about. It’s not his nature, and so he’s stuck in a whirlpool of misunderstanding trying not to upset his beloved woman, when she asks this question, because that is so important to her well-being.
He always wants to answer but he can’t locate his love. Love is not in his heart. But he knows that she expects it to be there. He doesn’t want to lie, because she will notice. So does something needed to get him clear of the moment. However, sincerity is always missing from male response. Have you noticed it? She senses it. More frequently she asks, the worse he feels from incapacity to be sincere with a person he admires, likes, and who has become a meaning of his life.
Love is not enough to maintain a pair together as ladies naively think so. If she constantly asking asking a man if he loves her, that can weaken his dedication to her. How? It weakens his dedication to himself to be sincere, and which undercuts his potential to treat his lady with the highest regard.
Be a woman who knows that your husband is devoted to you without constantly asking him - "Do you love me?"
She is expected to hear the words, which she thinks super-meaningful, but hose words does not ensure great relationships. Man shows his dedication and love to his woman in actions that produce, provide, protect, and problem solving for the benefit of their family. She wants words but he delivers actions. And that, ladies, you should interpret as love.