Are You De-Manning a Man?
A few nights ago, I had a conversation about the marital problems of a friend of mine was having with her husband. She had mentioned to me that she was shocked when her husband said to her that he feels inferior to her. I wasn’t shocked at all, given that she’s a very strong, independent woman (and raised by a single mother as well). She’s used to doing things on her own and doing whatever is necessary to get things done. She’s accustomed to taking care of herself and others and isn’t used to relying on others.
And every man will agree, that a lot of the conflict between her and her husband was probably stemming from the fact that she wasn’t letting him be ‘the man’. She takes good care of the children, feeds them, clothes them, cleans the house, works, and does all sorts of things. When he wants to be assertive and put his foot down, it usually has to correspond to her terms anyway, so it takes away whatever good ego he could gain.
My imaginary male friend said. “It’s difficult for men in this day and age. Women and their roles have changed significantly over the past decades. There are groups, support networks, and even laws that have helped women to change. That’s not a bad thing, but where all the men’s groups to help them address and change along with them? There is none. Or, if there are, guys don’t want to go because we don’t like sharing our feelings.” What I believe to be the most valuable pieces of advice I have learned when it comes to relationships is this: Let your man open the pickle jar every once in a while.
Basically, let a man truly be a man every once in a while. Let him pull out your chair, open the pickle jar, mow the lawn, do anything for you to remind him that he’s male, masculine. However, I know that there are women out there who would be furious to hear such a thing from another woman. Heaven forbid if a woman can be a woman and not feel guilty for feeling delicate or wanting help in solving a problem. What do you think? Do you think men and women still need ‘roles’ or do you think we have moved above and beyond that? Has political correctness been taken too far in relationships, too?
Woman Always Accepts Bad Cohabitation Deal.
Here is how you (woman) produce irresponsible de-manned man – by moving in with him and splitting the budget. His underpayment will be made up by his great contribution – he just has to fuck you good (i hope it is not your reasoning). And the financial scheme according to Carolyn Hax’s advice:
Should each partner contribute equally to a household fund — a joint checking account to cover rent, utilities, groceries and other shared expenses? Or should they contribute proportionately according to their incomes? (Our incomes are vastly different — I’m a grad student; he has a well-paying job — so that doesn’t seem fair.) And we plan to get married; should the money system change then? Some split expenses evenly, some split them according to income, some keep separate accounts, some merge them, some have both joint and separate accounts, some hide cash in joint and separate mattresses. This is the useless portion of the answer.Some are satisfied with their arrangements, and some feel bullied, resentful, used. This is a continuation of the useless portion of the answer.
The point is, however, that “there is no correlation between anyone type of arrangement and domestic bliss.” Hax urges the reader to decide with her boyfriend what is best for them both and not just in the realm of money.This is about the hope, plans, expectations, limits, selfishness and selflessness each of you will bring to this next stage of your life. Find out. Call it renter’s insurance.
In a move that I find admirable, Carolyn Hax considers the possibility that, after these discussions, the reader may not like to move in with such a boyfriend. She is implying – it is a deal breaker! Let me ask – why do you want to move in with such a partner knowing that you don’t want to pack more than a lunch box until you’re confident you have both – trust in him and his voluntarily commitment to take full responsibility for you for the rest of your life.
Your Husband is not in your Partner!
Why, I wondered, have we rolled up every type of relationships – dating, engaged, living together, married – into one legal-sounding term? Instead of a boyfriend or a fiancée or a spouse, everyone has a partner, as though we were all starting small business or legal practices. What gives?
The definition at dictionary.com yielded six meanings for the noun form of partner:A person who shares or is associated with another in some action or endeavor; sharer; associate. Law. a.) a person associated with another or others as a principal or a contributor of capital in a business or a joint venture, usually sharing its risks and profits. b.) special partner. a husband or a wife; spouse. Either of two people who dance together: my favorite partner in the waltz. A player on the same side or team as another: My tennis partner was an excellent player. After legal jargon but before tennis and dance partners lies Meaning 4: “a husband or a wife; spouse.”
In a way, I’m relieved. Since this definition exists, its use isn’t necessarily a sign that we have thinned out the idea of committed relationships to the bottom-line nature of business transactions. Even so, the meaning’s placement on the list shows that the term is more suited to financial or business connections, rather than personal relationships. Your husband has full feudatory duty, if you will… I can justify the need for the role of husband, because it is the highest level of commitment and demonstrations of responsibility a man took because he really liked you. Marriage is just very pleasant perk every woman is dreaming about.
Boyfriend means Parasite?
Boyfriend is totally different from a husband who takes financial responsibility for you and you get to look pretty on your wedding. But boyfriend offers none of that of the husband. He doesn’t offer you a wedding gig, and LISTEN TO THAT – you have your share and split… All I wish is that this moron could split his own head in half with an ax. And I am not even joking – those boyfriends are everywhere. Lots of girls accept their abominable and humiliating conditions – move in, have regular sex with him, feed him and his dog, clean the apartment, and in the evening we have sex again. Women actually are falling in love with their own tormentors, Fact. It sounds like Stockholm Syndrome to me!
So he is a Parasite, exploitation, user, freeloader, opportunist. And I come on prove prove it now.If a man wants to take responsibility he would go from dating state to “successfully married desperate housewife”. Good men follow this exact scheme I just described. And this freeloader is going to take you for a free trial to see if he likes you. And that situation I have never been in my 30 mostly single life!!! Because my dignity is intact and I wasn’t corrupted by “boyfriend move-in offers”. Therefore, here it comes a rhetorical question.
Should You Live Together Before Marriage?
Men needs to “chase space” to fall in love. They have to be inspired by a woman who is high maintenance in the love department. If you become his undocumented wife, housekeeper, lover, companion and friend, and share the finances for the apartment, food and entertainment, he won’t be able to chase you nor will he be willing to marry you easily, because he knows too much about you.Why should he marry you when he doesn’t really have to?If a woman requires a man to make a commitment before sex, to a long term goal of marriage and monogamy, she may lose the guy who only wants sex, but she will not lose a man who wants to marry her. If a woman requires at least an engagement ring and a wedding date before living with him, she may lose the man who wants a freebie loaner wife, but not the man who wants to marry.
Romance happens in the courtship phase. It’s purpose is to build good positive memories on which a marriage can be built. If you live together, the natural problems which will emerge, will disallow romantic fantasies which are so important. Not enough daydreaming time and too much problem solving can make a relationship a business deal rather than an exchange of respect for cherishing.In the western world, where marriages are romantically based rather than “arranged”, living together is statistically not a good way to begin or build a romance leading to a good marriage.