What kind of lessons about the world did you learn from your “beloved”mother? Remember, how many teenagers committed suicide before society started paying serious attention to youth suicide, which for a long time was considered an unpleasant but “normal” phenomenon. As they say – difficult teenagers… There is sacred and arcane mythology around motherhood – myth that mother’s love is instinctive, that all mothers love their children, that mother’s love is always unconditional. Today I can freely and openly talk about how many children (I was among them) remain with unmet emotional needs, verbally humiliated and having no answers why family can hurt so bad.
Damage is irreversible.
We ignore the emotional damage inflicted on the child when we say humiliating words, words that make him feel inadequate, unloved, meaningless, unwanted. Even science has already proven that wounds with words are not only as traumatic as physical injuries, but also can leave subtle scars for the rest of your life. And all your life you are fighting with ephemeral demon planted by your mother. Verbal aggression literally changes the structure of the developing brain. Parents manage a small world in which the daughter grows from infancy to childhood; the conditions of this world are established by parents, they decide with whom, how, when and how much the child will communicate. The daughter not only relies on the love and support of her mother. In this small world she absorbs “truths” about this world from her. And those absorbed truths continue to be for the rest of your life. You are an emotionally handicapped executed by your own mother. You can use every psychology method – it will not heal you.I compiled a list of these so-called “truths” told by your mother (some of them I remember from my childhood).
Love must be earned.
The daughters of unloving mothers described the strategies that they used to literally fight for love by bringing home good grades, doing additional housework, just trying not to upset the mother. Nevertheless, that was never enough. At that time, they learned a bitter lesson, what it really means – love. And I would say they were striving not even for mother’s love, they were trying to avoid verbal and physical assault by bringing good grades. However, they were never good enough to justify her love.
There are naughty children (and you are one of them).
All children make mistakes – they lose and break things, they don’t obey rules, they always doing anything wrong. Unloving mothers blame everything not on the child’s behavior, but his nature. My mother used to say that every family has to have an awfully abnormal kid while his siblings came out normal. “Why was I so misfortunate to give birth to you! ” – my mother used to say. “I should have left you for adoption. or I should have killed you when you were born”. Not exaggerating.The vase was broken not because it was wet on the sidewalk. Her malicious daughter did it, because she is stupid, clumsy and irresponsible. Her new red sweater disappeared from the shelf of the closet and this is a proof of her ingratitude, slovenliness and the fact that she does not deserve all these beautiful things. Every mistake becomes girl’s personal mistake. The daughter was a trial for such ratchet person as her mother. These words were automatically absorbed and became an internal critic of the daughter, a subconscious chorus that constantly tells her that she is worthless and does not deserve happiness.
Children should be observed, not listened to.
This statement not only emphasizes the power of the mother, but also translates the idea that the feelings and thoughts of the daughter are not worth being serious about. This message was often expressed by saying “I’m not interested in your thinking! Shut up. Adults are talking”. Such words very quickly compel the daughter not to trust herself and her perception of what is happening. Many daughters – and I believe that I am one of them – know that something is wrong. They are worried that they are going crazy. They become confident that what they hear and feel does not exist in reality. I was convinced that my mother (this monster) has stolen me from my real mother who is kind and loving. I was dreaming that my real mother will find me and set me free from this hell called family.
No matter what: do not cry!
As for me this motto was to show them (there was a father) that they cannot hurt me no matter how hard they try. Shames the most dirty weapon and alliance of an unloved mother. Humiliation of the child – making him ashamed of his feelings and vulnerability – a special kind of violence. The daughter in response could break the connection with her feelings to convince herself that she is not just a big girl, but also a good one. Daughters who have unhealthy relationships with food or have other self-destructive behaviors, such as hurting themselves, are often sign that as a child they had to hide their feelings “underground” to avoid bullying and humiliation. I was plucking my beautiful eye-lashes…Mother indeed predicted my life path… Many years after my escape from Alcatraz, I started to believe that she had a mild form of schizophrenia. She was accustomed to imagine an absurd fact that is not real and only exists in her head and blame me for that whatever she imagined. I don’t think that a mentally healthy person can have so much hatred and rage inside. It almost feels like they tortured me so I could learn the lesson and become good. Nonetheless, I wasn’t bad… They were also convinced and concerned that I was going to become some kind of whore who would get pregnant in high school.
Mission report – 30 years old, never married, no kids.
Did I finally learn the lesson and finally became good?.. I don’t have any nostalgia about home. Home was the place where I suffered and learned to hate. The funny thing is that she was hoping that in the adult life I would suffer 10x of what I have suffered at home. She was prophesying: “this life will have no mercy towards you: it will smash your face into the ground, and leave you in dirt”.The idea that some mothers can be tyrants contradicts all the myths about blissful motherhood and maternal unconditional love. But if my mother was like that, it does not mean that love is a myth and I will be like her…